Indie band's fanbase consists only of members' girlfriends

New York, NY — It was discovered recently that the entire fan base of local indie band Animal Noun is made up of only the members' girlfriends. In the past few months, the eight-piece band had been garnering critical acclaim for their debut EP I Go To The Hairdresser, Yes Please. But now it has come to light that several media outlets have been unable to find any fans of the band other than the eight girls dating the members.

Pitchfork writer Blair Turkey explained his reasoning for giving Animal Noun's EP an 8.7 rating, "I only heard about the band through this really hot girl I met at a bar one night. She seemed so into them that I figured if I gave them a good review she'd sleep with me. Turns out she's the singer's girlfriend. Or maybe the drummer's, I'm not really sure." He went on to add, "I actually hate that fucking CD."

Other music bloggers have admitted to praising the band for near identical reasons. Jason Stitek, who posts on Stereogum, said he was given the band's EP at a show by an attractive woman. "This girl came right up to me and handed me the Animal Noun CD and just said 'Changed my life.' It was very suggestive. I decided that there must be something to the band if a girl like that liked them."

"After I found out she was the conga player's girlfriend," he continues, "I realized that the music wasn't all that great. In retrospect, I have no idea why I ever thought the music was good; I mean they label themselves as something called 'calypso fusion.' But to be fair, their girlfriends are really, really hot."

Things I learned from The Land Before Time

If, like me, you were born in the mid '80s, you most likely saw The Land Before Time and possibly one of its many sequels.

I recently decided to go back and watch the original movie and then as many sequels as I could stomach. I will post my thoughts on each as I get to them; for now, here's what I learned about dinosaurs and religion from the one that started it all:

-Girl dinosaurs are distinctively female only because of eye lashes

-The "great valley" that the dinosaurs are heading for is a metaphor for god; “some things you see with your eyes, others with your heart."

-They even deals with false idols, as in the faux great valley that is initially stumbled upon by the herd. Got that, kids? Your faith will be tested.

-Does the fact that these dinosaurs refer to a T-rex as “sharp tooth” throw the very science of paleontology into question? How do we know a t-rex shouldn’t be called sharp tooth?

-After Littlefoot's parents die, wise old dinosaurs tell Littlefoot his sadness will pass “only in time.” But this movie is the land before time, so how does that work?

-The group of dinosaur friends that are the focus of the movie could pass as a cult, since one member, Spike, only joins because he is told he must, and he is assigned a name based on his appearance.

-They finally reach the great valley and it might as well be heaven with its “endless” supplies of food and the fact the kids find their families. However, Littlefoot's mother isn't there. That just means she's in hell, I figure. And so should kids who watch this movie.

-The movie ends with the line “They all grew up together in the valley, generation after generation, one passing on to the next.” That is an EPILOGUE. Why did they need to make a sequel, let alone sixteen of them?


Coming soon, I try to sit through The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure.

Signs of the Airport Douche

During this busy travel season be sure to keep your eye out for the following telltale signs of the increasingly common phenomena, the Airport Douche.

-When told during check in that his flight has been delayed for several hours, he makes a point of - while still standing in line - taking out his cell phone and calling a friend to say "Dude, turns out the flight has been pushed back five hours. We were gonna just chill at the bar, but now we're gonna bail. We can't hang out here for five hours. I got shit to do, places to be." This is said despite the fact that he was just about to travel somewhere by plane.

-While preparing to pass through airport security, if he is warned by his girlfriend to take off his belt before walking through the metal detector, he will scoff at her and shrug his shoulders. "Whatever," will be his only verbal response. This behavior demonstrates his apathy regarding having to be patted down, and as such, informs those near him (and anyone who happens to see him set the detector off) that he is a fucking badass.

-If he happens to be confined to a wheelchair, most likely due to sustaining an injury from doing something awesome, he will assume that he knows how to properly operate a wheelchair. So much so that he will attempt to text his bro on his cell phone and steer the wheelchair at the same time, alternating hands to keep the chair going in a straight line. It will be obvious to any observers that he does not in fact have control of the chair, as after struggling to keep the wheelchair in a straight line, he will ultimately crash into another wheelchair in which an elderly woman sits.

Holiday away from you

I'm flying home tomorrow, so I probably won't get to posting anything here for about a week.

In the meantime, if you have a desire to read the most scathing movie review I've ever written (and possibly ever will write), you can SEE (uh, uh?) what I thought about the film adaptation of Will Eisner's comic hero The Spirit.

I sort of regret writing the last sentence of that review, I think it was a little harsh.

With that said, there's no way in hell you'll get me going to a Frank Miller movie again.

A heap of crap

For the issue of SEE coming out tomorrow, I reviewed the new Will Smith melodrama Seven Pounds.

Try to guess what I thought of it.

Your daily joke

Steve Williams, caddie to Tiger Woods, has come under fire for making disparaging comments about Phil Mickelson. Williams was quoted as saying "I wouldn't call Mickelson a great player, 'cause I hate the [expletive]," then later elaborating "I don't particularly like the guy. He pays me no respect at all and hence I don't pay him any respect."

In a related story, caddies worldwide were elated to discover that they could inform their parents that pulling a wheeled golf bag around is, in fact, a respectable profession.

Movies of 2008

To go with my favourite albums of 2008, here are the films I enjoyed most this year. Now, I need to preface this list by saying that I really didn't see very many movies this year, especially in theatres. This was due to many reasons, including not being able to afford going to the theatre, not having anyone to go with and being ashamed (more so than usual, I'm always ashamed) of going alone, and not being able to afford renting movies. Download you say? I did, but many of the films I've heard are among the best aren't available on DVD yet and I refuse to watch anything recorded on a video camera in a theatre.

FAVOURITE FILMS

Burn After Reading
I don't think there's a Coen Brothers movie that I don't like, and even after my love affair with No Country For Old Men I still didn't have any expectations that weren't met. If anything, I didn't realize how silly the story was going to be, and it's all the better for how meaningless the entire movie is.

I Served the King of England
This was technically released over a year ago, and I believe my friend Cam even had it on his best of 2007 list, but it came out in Edmonton a few weeks ago so I only recently saw it. I'd actually rather not say anything about this movie other than its set around World War II, is about an older man reflecting on his younger self as a waiter in varying restaurants in Europe, features many beautiful girls that he is briefly entranced by, and is flat-out hilarious. Just try to see it.

The Dark Knight
I'm pretty sure anyone who cares about this movie has already seen it, so all I will say is that I don't think the movie itself is in "best of the year" territory, but Heath Ledger and Gary Oldman's performances combined with it being the best Batman movie ever made are enough for me to still like it a lot.

Harvard Beats Yale 29-29
I saw this documentary during TIFF, and as much as I liked the movie, I was pretty shocked at how well it was received. To be clear, this movie consists of nothing more than archival footage of a football game from the 1960s and retrospective interviews with players done with probably one of the lower end digital cameras on the market. However, Kevin Rafferty does such a good job of seamlessly editing both together to create an engaging, funny, even (for those inclined) heartwarming story that would entertain even those who could care less about football.

In Bruges
This movie seemed to slip out of theatres pretty quickly, and end up on DVD even faster. After having seen it I don't really know why; it's the most successful comedy/action film combination I can remember since Grosse Pointe Blank. Colin Farrel is at his Irish-ist (in the best, most ridiculous way possible) and has an unhealthy obsession with midgets. And if you didn't know (I definitely didn't), Ralph Fiennes can be hilarious when he wants to be.

OTHER MOVIES I DONE SAW

I absolutely hated, hated Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, and think it's mainly George Lucas' fault (though Spielberg went along with it). The movie opens on a god damn CGI gopher.

Iron Man was fine, but Robert Downey Jr.'s charisma can only take me so far.

I feel compelled to mention Slumdog Millionaire, which I also saw at TIFF. While I was entertained by it, there's a very specific reason why it's getting so much awards attention right now and it has everything to do with a very unnatural change in tone during the last act of the movie. My opinion's probably also affected by the fact that the audience in the theatre I saw it in wouldn't stop cheering the entire time, but that's because it won the TIFF viewer's choice award.

Mountain town

Again, more from SEE: this week I interview Sebastien Grainger (formally of Death From Above 1979) to talk about his newly released solo album.

I cut the part from the interview where I accidentally insulted him, as well as the part where we talked about The Wire.

Music of 2008

Even though it's only December 9th, I felt like making a list of my favourite music and movies of 2008, mainly because I've listened to every album I'm going to hear this year and I'm not likely to see any more movies (I'll elaborate a little more on that).

Today is music.

You can take these as recommendations, but really the list is just a reflection of what I liked most this year, out of what I heard. They are listed in no particular order (not even alphabetical).

FAVOURITE ALBUMS

Tim Fite, Fair Ain't Fair

On his debut album Gone Ain't Gone, a lot of critics compared Fite to a second-coming of Beck's early days, primarily using samples to create natural sounding folk-rock, but with this album I'm more inclined to liken him to Tom Waits. He goes from subdued folk singer to ravaging noise maker and back a number of times, occasionally coming very close to hip-hop (his last album was a full-fledged rap album). My only problem with Fair Ain't Fair is that it's a little too long, but even when the album drags it's still interesting.
Song picks: "Roots Of A Tree," "Big Mistake," "Thought I Was A Gun," "My Hands"

Women, Women

I'm not sure I can say exactly why I like this album, but I think it really clicked when I was riding the subway in Toronto and the song "Woodbine" started playing. Something about knowing that I was probably the only person on that subway car listening to a song constructed of only subtle feedback and thoroughly enjoying it made me pretty content. You also have to give the band credit for being willing to limit the album's best song "Group Transport Hall" to a running time of one minute and eleven seconds.
Additionally, I have to thank Quinn Omori for his repeated praise of Women that ultimately lead to me checking them out.
Song picks: "Woodbine," "Black Rice," "Group Transport Hall," "Shaking Hand"

The Tallest Man On Earth, Shallow Graves

Yes, he (Kristian Matsson) sounds a lot like Bob Dylan's early acoustic work. But to say that and just dismiss him would be a mistake. For one thing, I think his melodies are (dare I say) cleaner and more consistent throughout this album. And while his voice is can be very, very similar to Dylan, there's an earnestness and wistfulness to it that negates any worries of imitation. Also, in the days of albums based entirely on the use of auto-tune, it's nice to hear one with such modest production (see: one, maybe two microphones).
Song picks: "The Gardner," "Honey Won't You Let Me In," "Pistol Dreams," "Where Do My Bluebirds Fly"

Frightened Rabbit, The Midnight Organ Fight

I first heard about this Scottish band on a Sound Opinions buried treasures episode, but I didn't get to hear the whole album until I borrowed the CD from my friend Michael. I almost find it hard to describe this band without immediately turning some people away, because Midnight Organ Fight is unabashedly a pop-record, but it's pop-rock of the lyrically pleasing, musically stimulating variety. Singer Scott Hutchison sings with such conviction that even while addressing the subject of kicking a cunt it's impossible not to hang on his every word. I'm fairly certain it's impossible to dislike their multifaceted approach to song construction, even if sometimes it makes you feel like you're a teenager again and you've got life all sorted out even if the girl you like doesn't like you back. Which, while a fairly naive feeling, is by no means is an indication that this band doesn't know exactly what they're doing.
Song picks: "The Modern Leper," "Good Arms Vs. Bad Arms," "The Twist," "Poke"

The Clips, Matterhorn

While this album was technically released in 2007, it got reissued this year, and I didn't listen to it until a few months ago, so even though it probably made some best of lists last year it's on here anyway. I've read some reviews that, while positive, say that The Clips are clearly a little too hung up on Radiohead. To me, that seems like they only really listened to the album's first song, "Wire," and maybe only the first three minutes of it. That influence is clear, but Matterhorn displays a much more developed eerily-alienated rock sound that I think is very much The Clips's own.
Song picks: "Wire," "Eyesuck," "Enrique Mcteeth"

Chad VanGaalen, Soft Airplane

I'm pretty pleased that for his third album Chad VanGaalen purposefully wrote songs to be included on it, rather than picking out songs from his extensive catalogue as he has done previously. Not that Infiniheart or Skelliconnection were scattershots, but they were somewhat sprawling and lengthy, with some songs not feeling like they belonged on the same album as the one preceding it. So, yes, Soft Airplane does sound much more cohesive, but it also has some of VanGaalen's best work on it, whether it's perfecting his Neil Young-influence on "Willow Tree" or crafting what could rightfully be an indie-pop anthem in "TMNT Mask." You can only hope that he's finally got an album he's satisfied with, and will look to expand on this success.
Song picks: "Willow Tree," "Poisonous Heads," "TMNT Mask," "City of Electric Light"

Born Ruffians, Red, Yellow & Blue

I don't think there's any other way to describe this album than to say it sounds like there's a party in my headphones and everyone's invited. Okay, that's pretty stupid, but I'm sticking with it. Such a party would be pretty strange, because the songs on this record aren't exactly happy ones, but the band comes off as rowdy yet controlled, emphatic yet contemplative. I really hope this is the direction that rock and roll is going, because it all makes me want to do is go out and start a band in my garage.
Song picks: "I need a life," "Badonkadonkey," "Hedonistic Me," "Kurt Vonnegut"

Beck, Modern Guilt

There's a lot to be said for when Beck buckles down and makes a record that's concise yet complete. Modern Guilt runs about 33 minutes and doesn't ever feel like anything's missing, something which I think he's been lacking since Sea Change. I'm a big fan of records that feel flawless, even when they aren't, and this definitely fits into that category. Even though it merely sounds like all excesses were stripped away leaving no room for error, there's little that I don't like about this record. It may not be the most exciting in his catalogue, but the fact that Beck appears to say everything he wants to in as little time as he sees fit makes for a very engrossing listen.
Song picks: "Chemtrails," "Modern Guilt," "Walls," "Volcano"

Black Mountain, In The Future

Finally, as if I needed a heavy rock album to make up for all the lighter entries, I can't help but add Black Mountain's latest. This is an album meant best for listening to in its entirety at all times, anytime from just waking up to going to sleep. Some of the songs might actually keep you awake, but once the trippy epic "Bright Lights" comes on its likely to daze you into to some kind of unconscious state. The influences of Black Sabbath and The Velvet Underground are much more prevalent on this album, in such a way that this could easily be seen as a pseudo-tribute album, but songs like "Wucan" and "Stay Free" ensure Stephen McBean's touch is greatly felt. I'm not sure if Mcbean will rotate back to Pink Mountaintops for his next record, I just hope whatever it is that he approaches it with the same ambition as In The Future.
Songs: "Stormy High," "Wucan," "Bright Lights," "Night Walks"

ADDITIONAL ENJOYMENTS

I was tempted to put Wolf Parade's At Mount Zoomer on this list simply on the strength of "Fine Young Cannibals" and "An Animal In Your Care."

Man Man's Rabbit Habits is worth listening to to see if you like it, because if you do, you'll probably like it a lot.

The Josh Reichmann Oracle Band recently put out their Life Is Legal EP, and it makes me suspect that had it been a full album it would've been one of my favourites.

I have to thank Human Highway and Moody Motorcycle for making up for my ever-increasing disappointment in the second Islands album. I should add, however, that the second-half of Arm's Way is exempt from such disappointment.

Oh, Canada

[Photo from the CBC website / The Canadian Press/ Chris Young]

Quiz:

Two political leaders behind the proposed coalition government?

OR

My two madcap uncles who are visiting and looking to cause some holiday shenanigans?

Dear Hollywood, I think I smell a sequel:

Your Next Girlfriend: The 100 Qualities She Should Posess

[The following is a point-by-point response to a completely ludicrous and unreasonable list of qualities, compiled by The Frisky, that women should apparently expect their next boyfriends to have. While I will freely admit women are quite often much more mature than I am, I feel a responsibility as a male to say something. I originally wrote a response to each quality, but I've narrowed it down a little so as to not break yours or my brain.]

Okay dudes, like print this shit out, fold it up, and put it in your wallet to reference whenever you're picking up some tail at the bar.

1. ... will not cheat on me, but be game for a threesome

4. ... won't tell me to tip the waitress more because "she's doing her best"

7. ... will accept the fact that sometimes I hate her so much I don't want to even look at her
8. ... will not buy a new copy of the Sex and the City DVD every time it breaks from overuse

11. ... will not say I'm smothering her by following her everywhere she goes to make sure I'm the only one

13. ... will have the biggest tits I ever done seen

18. ... will ask me how my fantasy hockey team is doing and actually care
19. ... will be content sometimes to spend the whole day in bed giving me a blow job while I watch the Transporter trilogy
20. ... will tell me I'm handsome fairly frequently, enough so that I don't forget it
21. ... will not think I'm an alcoholic for having more than 37 beers in my fridge at once
22. ... will have goals and dreams to do my laundry

24. ... will know how to do my laundry without getting my clothes all wrinkled

28. ... will be interested in art that isn't in art galleries, culture that can't be found at an open mic night at a community centre, and traveling to places where they speak ENGLISH

31. ... will not accuse me of lying just because my alibi doesn't really add up

33. ... will understand I care as little about how her day went as I do about telling her about mine

35. ... won't doubt that I enjoy spending time with her, especially if that time is spent having sex

38. ... will appreciate the art of tea bagging

40. ... will understand that she shouldn't be telling me to wear plaid "well," I ain't no lumberjack
41. ... will want to let me fall asleep, and wake up, inside her

46. ... will grow accustomed to disappointment

49. ... will understand why I'm breaking up with her right after her dad dies

53. ... will define random passion as me having sex with her while she's asleep

55. ... will know that I am the hottest stud muffin in the whole bakery

58. ... will not claim I am randomly blowing my temper after she breaks my PS3 controller by sitting on it and I sign her up for Jenny Craig
59. ... will suck my dick with some enthusiasm every once and while

62. ... will accept that when compared to me, she can only ever be second best

66. ... will want a family that consists of three sons and no daughters, even if that means trading children right at birth
67. ... will not keep trying to tell me what commitment is when I clearly know since I've playing World of Warcraft every night since it came out for at least four hours

69. ... will accept that me having tickets to the ball game qualify as a "night out," she's just not coming

72. ... will appreciate that sports in general is my number one priority

77. ... will trust me even when she finds lipstick on my shirt collar
78. ... will be more interested in giving me a blow job because she likes how it tastes and not just because it's like a never ending tootsie pop
79. ... will love boxed wine
80. ... will take out the trash and happily do dishes

87. ... won't push her Dracula fetish every time she's on her period
88. ... will accept that when she's on her period, I don't want to touch that shit with a ten foot pole

91. ... will be smart, but not enough to realize that she could do better

94. ... will understand that I think holding hands is gay

97. ... will not tell me that the money I used for the Skeeball lane in my basement could've been spent on an engagement ring. Who said anything about getting engaged?

100 ... will not expect me to read her mind, including knowing when to do something that contradicts what she asked me to do previously, and acting in such a way that it would make all previous ninety-nine qualities void

Face twit

In an attempt to increase my productivity in all things unrelated to Facebook, I recently deleted my account. I'm hoping at the very least this results in more entries here.

To sort of make up for the loss of something to do on the internet, I started a Twitter account. All this means is I've got a place to put a lot of band puns.