Monday, May 26, 2008

Why I disliked the new Indiana Jones movie, explained through a pitch for an Indiana Jones / Star Wars crossover movie

[Note: This contains a lot of spoilers for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, you shouldn't read this if you haven't seen it.]

Dear Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Lucas (especially Mr. Lucas),

I would like to present to you the following proposal for the next chapter in the epic sagas of both Indiana Jones and Star Wars, tentatively titled Indiana Jones and the Star of Death:

STORY OUTLINE: It begins shortly after the events of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Indiana disenchanted by the banality of married life and desperately craving another adventure. His position as Associate Dean at his university has given Jones new respect in the academic world, but he still hasn't been able to convince any of his colleagues that the giant flying saucer used by the inter-dimensional travelers (see: aliens) actually existed before it disappeared at the end of his last quest.

Intent on not only proving his outlandish claims but also finding some kind of artifact to put in a museum, Indiana returns to Peru with his son, Mutt Williams, in tow to search for another flying saucer (Marion Ravenwood will stay at home to keep the house neat and possibly send helpful clues as the story progresses).

After performing a dangerous skin dive (it's illegal to be there for whatever reason, so they don't have time to rent air tanks) to the bottom of the lake that now fills the space where the flying saucer used to rest, Indiana and Mutt find a mysterious piece of steel with mysterious etchings on it that seem to resemble an ancient, mysterious language. [Side note: An extended underwater action sequence could also potentially allow for a Jaws crossover to be included, if not at least a reference for all the fans out there.] After retreating to a small village to study the piece of steel, Indiana visits a small market and exchanges his fedora for a black vest while Mutt exchanges his leather jacket for an extravagant fur coat (this will be important later).

As the two are returning to their hotel at nightfall, Mutt accidentally drops the piece of steel onto the ground causing the moonlight to unveil new etchings not previously seen. Upon taking the piece of steel to a local observatory and using a telescope to funnel the light of the brightest star in the sky onto its surface, Indiana and Mutt discover that there is another flying saucer buried in another part of Peru (anywhere really, so long as it's far enough to have the progressing red line sequence). They then proceed to travel there.

After an exciting motorcycle or car chase through a jungle or crowded marketplace, Indiana and Mutt make their way to a temple very similar to the one found at the end of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (at this point it is important that the two characters make references to their adventures from that film, even though its irrelevant to what's about to happen. There just really needs to be an acknowledgeable connection between the two films). Elated at their discovery, the two begin to have a heart-to-heart, father and son discussion wherein they reexamine their lives and talk about how things have changed over the years.

Indiana admits that now that he is Dean of Students rather than a professor, the office work required of him is not nearly as exciting as his archeology teaching once was. He goes on to say that if he really is to do justice to his field, he must enter the flying saucer and enter the portal to a new dimension and see what kind of artifacts exist in that world. Mutt says that ever since he traded in his leather jacket for the fur coat he has lost his interest in his motorcycle and instead he would like to just wear his fur coat all day long. Indiana surmises that people in the other dimension wouldn't judge him negatively for that. The two shake hands and venture in to the temple and activate the portal with a missing crystal skull that they acquired at some point. (Maybe from a Marion Ravenwood care package?)

The two's mysterious, supernatural journey has them arrive on a strange planet that is quite different, yet somewhat similar to earth. The fact that many of the beings on the planet are not human does not phase either Indiana or Mutt, as they were introduced to strange dimension traveling types in their last big adventure. [Side note: the mysterious journey has the mysterious effect of merging Mutt's fur coat with his skin and muffling his voice. Indiana can make a few jokes at Mutt's expense, which Mutt can only respond to in a sort of growl since the coat has overtaken his mouth. Then at some point Mutt takes on the name Chewbacca, for reasons to be determined in a later draft.]

Indiana realizes that he looks a lot better in his black vest than he ever did in his fedora, and he comments to Mutt/Chewbacca that he doesn't know why he ever cared so much about that hat. Around the same time he decides that the name Indiana Jones is no longer appropriate in their new dimension, so he might as well pick a cool sounding name like Han Solo or Jeffton Prince, eventually deciding on the former.

The pair finally discover that they transported themselves to a dimension that is the equivalent of a planet in a galaxy far, far away from earth in a time period that would seem to be a long time ago from the 1950s they left behind. Jones/Solo admits its too bad he won't get to see Marion Ravenwood again, but also figures they're are probably some other ladies to meet along the way (he then looks at the camera and winks). Having accepted their new identities and ready to start a new adventure, the two take notice of a bright star in the sky that is eerily similar to the one that earlier helped them understand the etchings on the piece of steel. A passerby warns them that the locals call it the "Star of Death," and legend says that once it is completed it will have the power to destroy planets.

Before Han Solo and Chewbacca can investigate further, they are kidnapped by henchmen of the dimension traveling being featured at the end of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and brought before him. The being is hidden in shadows as he tells them that they must work for him now as smugglers, and as Han Solo and Chewbacca reluctantly realize they have no choice but to comply the being comes into the light to reveal a significant weight gain. As he becomes fully visible he says to the two coyly; "Call me Jabba."

Fade to black.

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